“Three Dollar Bill” consists of three short plays on being queer and conservative. This curious cultural convergence, so baffling to many, nonetheless exists. 25% of all “out” homosexuals voted for George W. Bush in 2004. Organizations such as Log Cabin Republicans and the Human Rights Fund are home to many gay conservatives. Finally, Mary Cheney’s role as “campaign manager” for her father in 2004, as well as her activities as a gay spokesperson for Coors Brewing Company, highlight how being openly gay and actively republican is not an “uncommon abomination.” The three plays are:

“What Are You Thinking, Mary Cheney?” – Alone in her alpine lodge, surrounded by her secure electric perimeter, the lesbian daughter of “the evil puppet master” is finally pushed to come out of the closet and into the sound bite. In a smooth tirade of self-justification, she explains her controversial “lifestyle choice” to the captive liberal activists in her mind. But will her empowered paranoia inevitably prove that you can either sleep with the enemy or sleep with your lover, but never both?

“Civilization and its Disco Tents” – A real-time “gay conversion therapy” session between an ex-gay therapist and a supposedly gay, but wanting to be straight, patient “turns queer” when the therapist discovers that the patient is actually straight and wants to be gay. Yet this revelation only arouses deeper mysteries: Who is the patient and who is the therapist? Who is gay, ex-gay, and straight? And what is the difference between sexual conversion and sexual perversion? The gay conversion industry is in for a serious “lapse dance.”

“The Welcome Mask” – This is your standard “coming out” family drama. Son comes home with a vagina on his face. Father gets angry because this proves that Son is an Eskimo. Daughter, jumping to her brother’s defense, puts a penis on her face. Father grows angrier because this proves she’s a movie producer or a crooked travel agent or even worse. Feeling left out, Mother puts a botched sex-change operation on her face, though no one quite knows what this makes her. As Son, Daughter, and Mother shoot down “the slippery slope” right there in the living room, Father finally restores order to the family by putting something on his face. The question is, what is it?

This play requires 4 actors.

It was produced once by Inverse Theater at Center Stage in NYC.

That production’s page is here.